Arlington, MA – After a lifetime of eating the flesh and drinking the blood of Christ, Andrew Carter is riddled with parasitic worms. The 35-year-old freelance blood donor’s life has been upside down since the diagnosis. “I gave blood regularly. The last time I was pulled aside and told I’m infested with christus schistosomes.”
Christus schistosomes are worms found in uncooked fish, dirty water, and the flesh of Christ. Historians and scientists from the Theological Institute of Technology (TIT) agree that Jesus Christ, i.e., The Lamb of God, had worms at the time of his crucifiction. “Church doctrine specifically states Catholics eat the actual flesh of Christ during communion. It’s easy to see how some Catholics end up with getting the messianic worms.”
Theologians state it’s a classic case of Jesus being 100% human and 100% divine. While believers receive the benefits of inbibing the divine aspects of the LORD, they also take risks of eating some guy’s flesh who lived in very unsanitary times.
”If Jesus is God, then he knew I’d get worms,” a frustrated Mr. Carter said, “Why couldn’t he miracalize the worms out of him as he died on the cross? Why didn’t the Sermon on the Mount include a bit about washing your hands for 20 seconds after using the bathroom?”
Mr. Carter’s doctors know it takes a long time to complete a de-worming. No one knows for sure when the patient will get out of the hospital. “Once Jesus’ worms get in you, they’re hard to remove,” one of the physicians relayed.
The patient is expected to make a full recovery. However, Mr. Carter is no longer a Catholic. He’s now a Methodist. When he takes communion he will no longer eat the actual flesh of Christ. Rather, the canibalism will only be symbolic.
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Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 . Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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